Grief during a breakup or divorce
A breakup or divorce is often referred to as the second most traumatic life experience after the death of a loved one. Grief is a tiny word that we use to cover a vast array of emotions. While we are familiar with the more common ones (tears, fear, sadness) there are others that happen too, that can be quite discombobulating.
Laughter, happiness, numbness, terror, rage – just some of the feelings that grief can bring that we are not so approving of.
If you are grieving now, you’ll probably recognise this. It can feel overwhelming at times. So how best to cope? The most important information I can give you, based on my own experience, don’t judge yourself, or others.
You will likely be feeling all over the place, up one minute, down the next, not to mention going round and round at the same time. It’s important to know this is normal.
How best you can deal with it is to let yourself feel whatever has come knocking at your door. Even if it is numbness, feeling nothing, or several feelings all at once. That is just as valid as the tumultuous emotions some people feel. When a feeling arises in us that we don’t like, or that doesn’t feel nice, we tend to push it away. Here’s an example:
Dot, a client, was recently divorced and feeling very angry with her husband for abandoning her. At the same time, she felt guilty for feeling like this. Not one, but two feelings she would rather not have had.
However, they were knocking at her door. I encouraged her to open the door AND the windows, and just let the feelings be there. At the same time, I asked her to open the back door of her metaphorical house, so that the feelings could easily leave when their time was up.
When you do this, when you have the courage to let the feelings be there, they will go. They only hang around in the garden (trying to be fully felt) when you lock the doors and windows and effectively do your best to push them away. The action of opening both doors is an act of acceptance. And although you may say ‘I don’t want to accept this (whatever feeling it is)’, that is the path to suffering.
Whenever we bash up against something that is happening that we don’t want, don’t like, or simply wish was different, and we continue trying to not have the experience, we suffer.
This is why the great spiritual teachers speak of ‘accepting what is’ or ‘being here now’, the irony is when we are willing to fully accept what is, at the moment, then in all likelihood, it disappears. Sometimes it takes a bit of time but disappear it does. But it’s all only possible when the front door AND the back door are kept open, and we welcome whatever emotion is wanting to visit.
Whether you are grieving or not, this applies. Watch yourself the next time a feeling comes along that you wish was different. Imagine yourself just opening the doors instead of locking them. Play with it. See what happens.
Book a free breakup support chat now!
It has the potential to be life-changing.
Remember, small changes can have a big impact and you will be amazed by the positive change it will have on how you feel.
Hapus i siarad/ trafod yn Gymraeg
